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Kink lists: what a kink is, examples, and yes, no, maybe

A kink is an unconventional sexual taste or behaviour, and a kink list is a written inventory of yours: what you love, what you're curious about, and what's off the table. The most useful version is a yes, no, maybe list, where each activity gets one of those three answers. It's the fastest way to talk about desire without awkward guessing, whether the other person is a partner or a mistress on cam. Below: what a kink is, examples by category, how common they are, and how to make and use a list.

What a kink is

Merriam-Webster defines kink in its sexual sense as "unconventional sexual taste or behavior". Oxford's learner's dictionary calls it a personal sexual taste considered unusual by most people. Researchers add the part dictionaries leave out: a 2022 academic definition describes kink as a spectrum of sexual or erotic activities outside normative versions of sex, undertaken for sensory, emotional or psychological pleasure, and stresses that it is consensual. The conventional opposite is usually called vanilla.

The word itself is old and comes from Dutch, where it meant a twist in a rope. Merriam-Webster dates the noun in English to 1663. Kinky took on its sexual meaning around 1959, and kink as a word for a fetish followed by the early 1970s. Today, Wikipedia notes, kink has largely replaced the clinical word paraphilia in everyday use.

Kink or fetish?

People use the two words interchangeably, but there's a rough difference. A fetish is narrower: Oxford defines it as getting sexual pleasure from a particular object, with "a leather fetish" as its example, and medical definitions restrict fetishism to objects or body parts. Kink is the wider umbrella, covering dynamics like dominance and submission that aren't about any object at all. Some writers add that a kink enhances intimacy with a partner while a fetish can replace it, but there's no scientific consensus on where the line sits.

Neither is a disorder. The American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5, published in 2013, states that most people with atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder; a diagnosis needs real personal distress, not just society's disapproval, or harm to others. The World Health Organization's ICD-11, in effect since 2022, went further and dropped fetishism and sadomasochism as diagnoses after experts recommended their removal.

How common kinks are

Much more common than most people assume. A representative study of 1,027 Belgian adults, published by Holvoet and colleagues in 2017, found that 46.8% had performed at least one BDSM-related activity, and another 22% had fantasised about it. In Quebec, a 2017 study of 1,040 people found nearly half were interested in at least one unconventional sexual category. A Czech study of more than 10,000 people found 31.3% of men and 13.6% of women reporting at least one such preference.

So if you've ever wondered whether you're unusual, the honest answer is: less than you think.

Kink examples, by category

Kinks are easier to talk about when they're grouped. One common way splits them roughly like this:

• Bondage and discipline. Restraint, rope, cuffs, rules, training and punishment. See our bondage page.
• Dominance and submission. Power exchange, obedience, service, protocol and worship, the heart of femdom.
• Sensation and impact. Spanking, paddling, wax, temperature and other ways of playing with feeling.
• Humiliation and praise. Words that bring you down, or lift you up, by agreement.
• Fetishes for things. Latex, leather, nylons, boots, heels and uniforms.
• Fetishes for body parts. Feet are the best known; our foot worship page covers them.
• Control of pleasure. Chastity, edging, tease and denial.
• Role play. Scenes with characters, from the office to the interrogation room.

In a 2015 study of 1,580 women active in kink communities, a self-selected group, 95.7% had taken part in spanking and 61.8% in service-oriented submission. Those two corners of the list are popular for a reason: they're easy to start gently.

The yes, no, maybe list

A yes, no, maybe list is a set of activities that each person marks privately, then compares. The best-known free version is Scarleteen's Yes, No, Maybe So, first published on 10 June 2010 and updated in March 2025, which has been viewed more than 2.9 million times. Scarleteen itself says these lists weren't its invention; sexuality educators and therapists have used them for a long time.

Scarleteen's codes go beyond the three in the name: Y for yes, N for no, M for maybe, IDK for don't know, F for fantasy only, and N/A. Two lines from its instructions are worth keeping in mind. None of the answers is a commitment to always say yes or no to anything. And you fill it in alone first, before comparing with anyone.

When you do compare, the matching yeses give you common ground to explore, the maybes give you things to talk about, and the nos tell you what never to suggest. Research supports the effort: a 2019 analysis of 48 studies found that better sexual communication goes with better sexual function.

How to make your own kink list

1. Start with a published list, or write down every activity you can think of, by category.
2. Mark each one honestly: yes, no, maybe, fantasy only.
3. Add your hard limits at the top, in a line you could paste anywhere.
4. Note anything with a condition: "yes, but only after we've played before", "maybe, if it's slow".
5. Date it. Come back in three months and see what's moved.

Lists change. Maybes become yeses, and occasionally yeses become nos. Both are normal, and noticing them is half the point.

Talking about kinks without the awkwardness

The list does the hard part, but the conversation still matters. A few habits make it easier. Pick a calm, unhurried moment, not the middle of a scene and not the moment before one. Lead with curiosity rather than requests: "what surprised you on my list?" opens more doors than "can we try this?". Treat every no as information, not rejection, and never argue someone out of one.

Scarleteen's own advice is that this is not first-date stuff, and that's fair for in-person relationships. Talk about the big things once there's trust. With a cam mistress the rules are different, because sharing a short list is simply how you book a good session, and she's heard far stranger than whatever you're nervous about.

Using a kink list with a cam mistress

A kink list is especially handy on cam, where time is money and clarity is respect. Before a private, paste a short version into chat: three things you'd love, two that are off limits, and your safeword. A good mistress will read it, ask a question or two, and build a session that fits. It's the same principle as the limits guide: the clearer you are before the clock starts, the further she can take you once it does. If you're not sure where you fit, try the BDSM test as a conversation starter.