Guides

Limits and safewords for cam sessions

Limits are the things you've agreed won't happen. A safeword is how you stop what's happening right now. Both sound like they belong to dungeons and rope, but they matter just as much through a webcam, because the person giving the orders can't see everything and can't step in if something goes wrong on your side of the screen.

Hard limits and soft limits

A hard limit is a never. Not tonight, not if she asks nicely, not if you're carried away. A soft limit is a maybe: something you're unsure about, would try only slowly, or want her to approach with care.

Write your lists before you ever book a private. It takes five minutes and saves a lot of awkwardness mid-session. For cam play, most people's lists cover four areas:

• Activities: pain on yourself, specific toys, being on camera, particular words.
• Topics: body issues, family, work, anything genuinely raw for you.
• Privacy: your face, your voice, your real name, your location.
• Money: a session budget and a monthly one, which matter most in findom.

Share the relevant parts with her before the private starts. A good mistress will ask anyway, and some have a short checklist they run through with every new sub.

Safewords that work on cam

The common system borrows from traffic lights. Red means stop completely. Yellow means slow down or check in. Some people add green for "keep going". It's easy to remember under pressure, which is the whole point.

On a webcam, agree how you'll signal as well as what. Typing "red" works in any session. Saying it works if she can hear you. If you're on cam2cam and your hands are busy, agree a gesture too, such as crossing your arms in front of the camera. And remember the simplest exit of all: leaving the private ends it instantly. You never need permission to close the window.

Safe, sane and consensual, or risk-aware

You'll see two mottos in kink communities. "Safe, sane and consensual", often shortened to SSC, has been adopted by many practitioners and organisations since the 1980s. "Risk-aware consensual kink", or RACK, puts more weight on each person understanding and owning the risks of what they choose. Wikipedia's article on SSC covers the debate between them.

For cam sessions the practical difference is small. Know what you're agreeing to, agree it in advance, and keep the ability to stop.

Physical safety when she instructs you

Instructed play puts you in charge of your own body, alone. A few rules cover most of the risk:

• Nothing around your neck, and no breath play of any kind. This is the one rule with no exceptions.
• Stop at numbness, tingling, sharp pain or dizziness, whatever the countdown says.
• Keep self-bondage escapable, with safety shears in reach. The bondage page lists the full rules.
• Stay sober enough to judge what you're doing.
• Tell her about any health condition that could matter, such as heart or blood pressure problems.

Nothing on this page is medical advice. If you have a condition that strenuous or painful play might affect, ask a doctor first.

After an intense session

People in BDSM call the low that can follow a scene "drop", and it can arrive minutes or a day later. On cam you have no one to share aftercare with, so build your own: water, something to eat, a few minutes of something ordinary before you go back to email or sleep.

If a session left you feeling worse rather than better, adjust your limits rather than pushing harder next time. That's exactly what limits are for. Then read the etiquette guide for how to raise it with a regular mistress.