Guides

BDSM toys for beginners: a femdom starter kit, chosen safely

The best BDSM toys for beginners are simpler than the shop windows suggest: a blindfold, padded cuffs, a few sensation toys, a soft flogger or paddle, and a pair of safety shears will cover most first scenes. Femdom adds a few classics of its own, from the riding crop to the strap-on harness. This page explains what to buy first and why, which femdom toys are worth adding, which materials are body-safe, how to clean each one, and the safety rules that matter more than any toy.

What people actually try

A nationally representative 2017 US study of 2,021 adults gives a good picture of where most people start. Some 31.9% had spanked or been spanked during sex, 21.1% had tied up a partner or been tied up, and 15.0% had been playfully whipped. Blindfolding was rated very appealing by 11.5% and somewhat appealing by 23.4%. In other words, the common entry points are spanking, light restraint, blindfolds and sensation, and a beginner's kit should match.

The starter kit

• A blindfold. Soft, wide and fully light-blocking. It changes everything else in the kit; see sensory deprivation.
• Padded cuffs. Wikipedia describes bondage cuffs as wide restraints, generally leather, often padded with soft leather or fake fur, closing with locks, buckles or velcro. Choose buckles or velcro for a fast release.
• Sensation toys. Feathers, silk, fur and a Wartenberg wheel, a medical pinwheel originally used to test nerve reactions. Our sensation play guide shows how to use them.
• A soft flogger. A multi-tailed whip, typically of soft leather, that thuds more than it stings.
• A leather paddle. Broad and forgiving, ideal for a first spanking; see our impact play guide.
• Safety shears. Not a toy, but the most important item in the box.

Femdom extras

Once the basics feel familiar, femdom has its own classics. A riding crop is the emblem of the dominant woman and surprisingly gentle in skilled hands. A collar marks the dynamic; our collar guide covers choosing one. A strap-on harness opens up pegging. A chastity device turns denial into a lifestyle, and our guide to chastity cage types explains the options. Nipple clamps, chosen adjustable, are a small but intense addition. Add these one at a time, as real interests emerge, rather than buying a boxed set full of things nobody will use.

Skip the metal handcuffs

Police-style handcuffs look the part but are a poor choice for play. Wikipedia notes they aren't padded to reduce the risk of nerve damage, and they can cause handcuff neuropathy, with numbness, tingling, burning or pain in the hand. It usually clears within several months, but permanent damage is possible. Padded leather or velcro cuffs do the same job far more safely.

Buying tips

Buy fewer, better things. A single well-made pair of cuffs will outlast three cheap ones and be kinder to wrists. Read product descriptions for materials, not just looks, and be wary of very cheap toys with vague ingredient lists. Check that restraints release quickly and that buckles aren't sharp. Choose a flogger with soft, wide falls rather than thin, stiff ones for a first scene. Store everything clean and dry, ideally in a lockable bag or box of its own, somewhere private and away from heat and sunlight. And think about discretion: packaging, bank statements and where the box will live all matter if privacy is a concern.

Body-safe materials

Materials matter most for anything that touches skin for long or goes inside the body. Non-porous materials, silicone, stainless steel, borosilicate glass and hard plastic, can be cleaned thoroughly. Porous ones, such as soft skin-like materials, vinyl, nylon and rubber, can harbour bacteria. Some cheap plastics are a problem of their own: in 2006, Greenpeace Netherlands found high levels of phthalates, chemicals used to soften plastic, in seven of eight plastic sex toys it tested. The EU has restricted four phthalates in consumer goods to below 0.1% since July 2020, but in the US sex toys are classed as novelties, and Wikipedia notes their listed ingredients don't have to be accurate. Buy from reputable makers, and favour silicone, steel and glass.

Leather is porous too, and can't be fully disinfected. That's fine for floggers and cuffs used on intact skin, but anything that might break the skin should belong to one person only; the US CDC notes hepatitis B can remain infectious on surfaces for at least seven days.

Cleaning

• Silicone. Top shelf of the dishwasher, boiled for five to ten minutes, or washed with soap and water.
• Stainless steel. Boiled, or soaked in a one-to-ten bleach solution for ten minutes, then rinsed.
• Leather. Wiped with a leather cleaner and dried naturally, away from heat.
• Every toy. The Sexual Medicine Society of North America advises cleaning after each use, putting a new condom on shared toys each time, and not sharing at all with open sores.

Two smaller points: silicone lubricant is generally not recommended with silicone toys, and some metal toys contain nickel, which the NHS notes can trigger allergic contact dermatitis.

The safety rules that matter more than toys

Restraint is where most beginner risks lie. Wikipedia warns of nerve compression and impaired circulation, and lists numbness, coldness and changes in skin colour as warning signs. Never leave a restrained person alone, make sure they can be released quickly, and keep EMT-style shears within reach; trauma shears have a wide, blunt tip designed to slide across skin without cutting it. Leave gags out of a beginner's kit altogether, because a gag can become a choking hazard if someone vomits. Agree a safeword before anything starts; our limits guide explains how.

Toys and cam sessions

You don't need any toys at all for a cam session; a mistress's voice does the work. If you'd like her to direct you with a blindfold, a feather or a pair of cuffs, keep it simple and keep shears nearby. The strip at the top of this page shows bondage and leather mistresses live now.