Guides

Am I submissive? Signs, quizzes and what research says

Am I submissive? It's one of the most searched questions in kink, and the honest answer is that no quiz can settle it. What you can do is understand what the words mean, recognise the signs people describe, know what tests can and can't tell you, and then find out the only reliable way: by trying things, slowly, and noticing how they feel. This page walks through all of that, with what research has found along the way.

Submissive, dominant and switch

Wikipedia's BDSM glossary keeps it simple. A sub is a person who gives up control, either all the time or for a specified period. A dominant is a person who exercises control. And a switch is someone who is dominant in some scenes and submissive in others. None of these is a diagnosis. The DSM-5, psychiatry's manual, doesn't regard consensual sadomasochistic activity between adults as harmful in itself unless it's likely to cause serious disability or death.

Being submissive in this sense is also narrower than being submissive in life. It describes what you enjoy in a consensual dynamic, not how you behave at work or with friends.

Signs people describe

These are self-reports, not tests, but they come up again and again:

• Relief at handing over control. A Guardian reader wrote in 2021 that she preferred to sit back and relax, and felt stressed with too much control. A long-time sub writing in Vice described the mental relief of handing over the reins for a while.
• Pleasure in service. Enjoying doing things for someone, and especially being told how well you did them.
• Calm under instruction. Finding that clear instructions from someone you trust quiet a busy mind.
• A pull towards strong women. Being drawn to confidence and authority, sometimes in ways that surprise you.
• Fantasies of being dominated. The most common sign of all, and the least conclusive, as the next section shows.

How common submissive fantasies are

Very common. In Justin Lehmiller's survey of 4,175 Americans, 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasised about being sexually dominated, while 85% of men and 76% of women had fantasised about dominating someone. A 2015 study of 1,516 adults found submission and domination themes were common for both men and women and significantly related to each other; as reported at the time, 65% of women and 53% of men had fantasised about being dominated.

A representative study of 1,027 Belgians in 2017 found 46.8% had tried at least one BDSM-related activity, 26% saw themselves as interested in BDSM, and 7.6% identified as practitioners. Its authors noted that interests in dominant and submissive activities were comparable and, remarkably, highly intercorrelated. In other words, many people enjoy both, and a fantasy alone tells you little.

Fantasy is not a job description

Lehmiller puts it clearly: just because someone has fantasised about something doesn't necessarily mean they want to do it; not all fantasies are desires. The authors of the 2015 study suggested the focus should be on a fantasy's effect rather than its content. If imagining submission makes you feel good, curious and alive, that's worth exploring. If it makes you anxious, you're under no obligation to act on it. A 2017 US study found more Americans considered various kinky behaviours appealing than had actually tried them, which is entirely normal.

The dominant or submissive test

The best-known quiz is BDSMtest.org, launched in 2014, and it's a genuinely useful tool for reflection; our BDSM test guide explains how to read it. But its scoring method isn't published or validated, and a 2023 analysis of 236,353 of its profiles found that no binary opposition or single spectrum works as a way of sorting people. You're not a point on a line between dominant and submissive; you're a mix of interests that can shift.

Science has only just started measuring kink properly. The Kink Orientation Scale, published in 2024, uses 18 questions validated with 1,025 kink-identified people, and it measures identity, community, equipment, practices and sexual communication. Notably, it doesn't assign a role at all. So treat any am I a submissive or dominant quiz as a conversation starter, not a verdict.

Can you be both?

Yes, and plenty of people are. In a 2021 study of 279 BDSM practitioners, 25.4% were dominant, 38% submissive and 36.6% switches. A 2026 study of 1,104 people found 393 switches, with cisgender women tending towards the submissive side but by no means all of them. Being a switch isn't indecision; it's simply enjoying both sides of the exchange, sometimes with different partners or in different moods.

Bossy at work, submissive in bed?

It's a popular idea that powerful people crave submission, and the sex researcher Debra Soh told The Independent that people who are dominant in real life often take a submissive role in the bedroom, and vice versa. That's based on interviews rather than measurement, so treat it as an observation, not a rule. The 2021 study found BDSM roles were not indicative of personalities significantly different from the general population. Your job title predicts nothing; your experience does.

Finding out by experience

One domme told Vice that slowly exposing yourself to the kind of play you're curious about lets you decide what kind of submissive, bottom or switch you are, or if you are any of those things at all. Practical ways to start:

• Fill in a kink list privately, then notice which yeses excite you most.
• Try one small, negotiated scene with a partner: following instructions for 20 minutes, say.
• Keep a short note afterwards of what felt good and what didn't.
• Try a session with a mistress on cam, anonymously and with your own camera off if you prefer.
• Go to a munch, an informal social meetup for kinky people, and listen.

If you do find you're submissive, our guide to being a good sub covers what comes next. If the question troubles you rather than intrigues you, a kink-aware therapist can help; the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom runs a directory, though it doesn't vet the people listed. And whatever you discover, it's common, it's legitimate, and you can take it at your own pace. The strip at the top of this page shows dominant women live now, if you'd like to find out the experiential way.