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Kink shaming: what it means, and where real concern begins

Kink shaming means mocking, shaming, bullying, harassing, condemning or making fun of someone for their sexual preferences, interests or fetishes. That's Wiktionary's definition, and most people into kink have met some version of it, from a smirk to a lost friendship. This page explains the kink shaming definition and where the term came from, what research says about the stigma kinky people face, what psychiatry now says about kink, where the line falls between shaming and a genuine safety concern, and how to respond.

Kink shaming definition

Wiktionary gives two senses of the verb kinkshame, also written kink-shame: to mock, shame, bully, harass, condemn or make fun of someone for their sexual preferences, interests or fetishes, and to mock, shame or condemn a preference or fetish itself. In practice it covers a wide range: jokes at someone's expense, disgust performed for an audience, outing someone's interests without consent, and treating an ordinary kink as a sign that something is wrong with a person.

Kink shaming can also be quiet. A partner who agrees to try something and then sighs through it, a friend who repeats a confidence as a joke, or a professional who reacts with visible distaste all send the same message: that what you like makes you less. Because it's often subtle, people on the receiving end tend to doubt whether it happened at all.

It isn't the same as simply not sharing a kink. Nobody has to find anything appealing, and saying no thanks to something isn't shaming. The line is contempt: treating someone as lesser for what they like.

Where the term came from

The phrase grew up online. According to the meme archive Know Your Meme, no kink shaming policies appeared in LiveJournal communities as early as 2008, a Tumblr blog called STFU, Kink Shamers launched in July 2011, and an Urban Dictionary entry followed by 2014. Treat those dates as community history rather than scholarship. The idea itself belongs to the sex-positive movement, which Wikipedia notes has challenged kink shaming as part of a wider push against judging consensual sexuality.

Why it matters

Stigma has measurable effects. In a 2016 study of 115 kink-oriented patients, fewer than half had told their current doctor, with anticipated stigma the most common reason, and many feared clinicians would mistake kink for intimate partner violence. A 2022 study of 257 people found the public stigmatises BDSM practitioners more than it does gay and lesbian people. And a 2025 study of 543 practitioners in Chile found 29.5% had experienced discrimination, including 11.8% in healthcare. People who expect judgement hide things, and hiding things from doctors and partners is how avoidable harm happens.

What psychiatry says now

Medicine has moved a long way. When the DSM-5 appeared in 2013, the American Psychiatric Association said most people with atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder, and that a diagnosis requires personal distress, not merely distress resulting from society's disapproval, or harm to others. The WHO's ICD-11, released in June 2018 and in force since January 2022, removed sadomasochism and fetishism as explicitly listed examples of disorders, limiting the category to interests involving non-consenting people or causing substantial distress or real risk. Some countries got there first: Denmark removed sadomasochism from its disease classification in 1995.

Kink is also common. A representative 2017 study of 1,027 Belgians found 46.8% had done at least one BDSM activity and 12.5% did so regularly, which the authors said strongly argues against stigmatisation. A 2020 review of 60 studies found BDSM fantasies in 40 to 70% of people and no higher rates of mental health or relationship problems among practitioners. The 2019 Kink Clinical Practice Guidelines, written by 20 clinicians and researchers, state that kink interests by themselves don't indicate psychopathology, and that kink is not necessarily a response to trauma.

Kink shaming, or real concern?

Not every criticism of a kink practice is shaming, and pretending otherwise helps nobody. The same clinical guidelines that reject pathologising kink note that intimate partner violence can co-exist with kink, so assessments need to be kink-informed rather than kink-blind. Researchers writing in The Conversation in 2021 put both halves clearly: BDSM is not domestic violence in itself, but dominants who push submissives or start play without explicit agreement are considered potentially abusive within the BDSM community itself.

Some practices also carry real risk. A 2022 review of 17 published BDSM deaths found 88.2% involved strangulation during erotic asphyxiation and 64.3% involved drugs or alcohol, and noted such deaths are rare and preventable; experts quoted in The Conversation in 2024 argued there is no safe way to choke someone. Saying that isn't kink shaming. Critics such as the writer Meghan Murphy argue that accusations of kink shaming are sometimes used to shut down this kind of debate altogether, and it's worth taking that seriously too.

A useful test: shaming targets a person for what they like. Legitimate concern targets a specific risk or a missing consent, and comes with information rather than contempt.

How to respond to kink shaming

• You don't owe an explanation. Consensual adult sexuality doesn't need defending to people who weren't invited into it.
• Set a boundary. A calm, short refusal to discuss it ends most conversations.
• Protect your privacy. Be careful what you share and where; our privacy guide covers online life.
• Find community. Munches, forums and friends who share or respect your interests make a real difference.
• Report harassment. Being outed or harassed is not something you have to accept.

When the shame is internal

Often the hardest kink shaming comes from within: years of absorbed messages that something you enjoy is wrong. The research above is a good antidote, because it shows how ordinary most kinks are. If shame is causing real distress, a kink-aware therapist can help without trying to change what you enjoy; the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom runs a directory, though it doesn't vet the people listed. Our pages on BDSM and being submissive are good places to start, and the strip at the top of this page shows women live now who enjoy exactly the things some people would shame.