Guides

D/s relationships: what dominance and submission means between partners

A D/s relationship is one where one partner agrees to lead and the other agrees to follow, by choice, with limits they've set together. D/s is short for dominance and submission, and it can live only in the bedroom, run through every part of daily life, or sit somewhere in between. It isn't the same thing as BDSM or sadomasochism, it doesn't need pain or even sex, and the research on couples who live this way is more reassuring than most people expect. This page explains what D/s means, the shapes it takes, what studies say about whether it's healthy, and the one test that separates it from abuse.

What D/s means

Wikipedia defines dominance and submission as "a set of behaviors, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle". It's one part of BDSM, alongside bondage and discipline and sadism and masochism, and it isn't the same as sadomasochism: D/s is about authority and obedience, S/M about intense sensation. Plenty of couples have one without the other.

The slash notation is deliberate. D/s capitalises the dominant and not the submissive, and the same pattern turns up in M/s for master or mistress and slave. Dom and sub also aren't the same as top and bottom, which describe who's doing what physically in a given scene. A dominant woman can, for example, order her partner to tie her up, and still be the one in charge. Our page on what BDSM means covers the wider vocabulary.

The shapes a D/s relationship takes

Wikipedia notes that power exchange relationships can last anything from a single scene to a perpetually ongoing arrangement, and can cover sex only or almost everything. Most couples land in one of four broad shapes.

• Bedroom D/s. The dynamic exists during sex or scenes, and the couple are equals the rest of the time.
• Protocol D/s. Standing rules and rituals run through the week: forms of address, tasks, check-ins. Our guides to femdom rules and rituals have examples.
• 24/7. The dynamic is always on, within limits that are still negotiated. A 2015 study of 1,383 women in kink communities found about one in five had been in a 24/7 relationship. At its far end it becomes total power exchange.
• Distance D/s. Wikipedia points out that physical contact isn't required at all; dominance can run by phone or messaging, which is why long distance femdom works for so many couples.

How common it is

More common than its reputation. A 2017 Belgian study of 1,027 adults by Holvoet and colleagues found 46.8% had tried at least one BDSM activity and 12.5% did so regularly, and that interests in dominant and submissive activities were comparable and closely linked. A national Norwegian survey of 4,148 adults, published in 2022, found more than one in three reported at least one BDSM interest or behaviour. Among practitioners, the roles are spread wider than the stereotype of one dominant and one submissive: in a 2021 sample of 279 people, 25.4% were dominant, 38% submissive and 36.6% switches.

Is a D/s relationship healthy?

The best evidence says it can be, with a big caveat about how the research is done. A 2018 study by Rogak and Connor of 163 practitioners in committed relationships found their average score on a standard measure of relationship adjustment fell in the non-distressed range, with no difference between dominants and submissives. The Norwegian survey found BDSM behaviours went with higher sexual satisfaction and that no BDSM measure was linked to lower closeness between partners.

Studies of the people involved point the same way. A Dutch study of 902 practitioners and 434 controls, published in 2013, found practitioners scored as well as or better than controls on most wellbeing measures, and a 2019 review of the research found only limited evidence linking personality disorder to BDSM interest. The picture on attachment is mixed: a 2025 Spanish replication with 1,884 adults found practitioners more often securely attached, especially dominants, while a 2024 Chinese study of 3,310 adults found no overall difference, with submissives showing more separation anxiety. Every one of these studies is a snapshot of self-selected volunteers. They show that D/s couples are not, on average, unhappy or unwell. They don't prove that D/s makes a relationship better.

Why people want it

People describe relief from decisions, the comfort of structure, deep trust and an intensity ordinary relationships rarely reach. One of the few detailed studies of long-term arrangements, by Dancer, Kleinplatz and Moser in 2006, surveyed 146 people who called themselves slaves and found many in long-lasting, satisfying relationships held together by everyday things: chores, money management and routines. The researchers also found the submissive partners exercised free will when it was in their best interests, which is worth remembering whenever someone claims a sub has no say. Our guide to why men like femdom goes deeper into the psychology.

D/s or abuse? The test

From the outside, some D/s rules look like control: she decides what he wears, when he sleeps, how the money is spent. The difference isn't the rule, it's the consent behind it. The Network/La Red, a US organisation that works on abuse in kink and LGBTQ communities, puts it simply: just because you consent to play doesn't mean you consent to everything. Its red flags include:

• you can't withdraw consent or stop at any time;
• limits are met with ridicule or pressure, or safewords are ignored or argued away;
• you're threatened with being outed;
• you feel trapped in a role, or kept away from friends and the kink community;
• you're afraid of your partner outside negotiated scenes.

The law draws a similar line. In England and Wales, section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 makes controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship a crime when it's repeated or continuous and has a serious effect, such as fear of violence or serious alarm or distress that disrupts daily life. It carries up to five years in prison. Women's Aid reports 49,557 such offences were recorded in the year to March 2025. If any of those red flags describe your situation, speak to a domestic abuse service; this page isn't legal advice.

Keeping it healthy

Healthy D/s couples share a few habits. They negotiate limits before anything starts and write the important ones down, knowing a D/s contract isn't legally binding but is useful anyway. They check in regularly outside the dynamic, as equals. Research by Tarleton and colleagues found consent communication tends to become more flexible as relationships lengthen, and one 2021 study described couples renegotiating limits as often as daily. They agree safewords and use them without guilt. They plan aftercare. And they keep lives outside the dynamic: friends, work, interests of their own. Our page on BDSM consent models sets out the frameworks many couples use.

Female-led D/s

When the dominant partner is a woman, D/s often goes by other names: a female-led relationship, femdom, or simply having a mistress. Research rarely separates woman-led couples from the rest, and we couldn't find a study of satisfaction in woman-dominant couples specifically, so be wary of anyone who quotes one. What the general findings suggest is that it works for the same reasons any D/s relationship works: honest negotiation and consent that stays live. If you're curious about what it feels like before raising it with a partner, a session with a dominant woman on cam is a contained way to find out. The strip at the top shows who's live now, and our guide to dominant women covers dating one.