Guides

Why men like femdom: the psychology of submission

Why do men like femdom? There's no single proven answer, but research points in several consistent directions. The fantasy is far more common than most men realise; handing over control offers a rare escape from being in charge of yourself; scenes can produce absorbed, altered states; and good scenes leave people feeling closer. Explanations about powerful men craving release are popular too, though they rest more on clinicians' opinions than on data. This page sets out what's known about the psychology of submission, what isn't, and the myths worth dropping.

How common it is

Start with the numbers, because they surprise most men who think they're unusual. In psychologist Justin Lehmiller's survey of more than 4,000 Americans, 81% of men had fantasised about being sexually dominated. A 2020 review of 60 studies found BDSM fantasies in 40 to 70% of people, with about 20% having actually engaged in BDSM. Among men already active in BDSM, Wikipedia cites studies putting the share who prefer a submissive role at between 26% and 46%. And in a Czech online study, 36.6% of men chose a submissive partner while only 13.8% chose a dominant one, which suggests a real imbalance between men who want a dominant woman and women who want to be one.

Fantasy isn't the same as desire, and many men never act on theirs. But a wish to be dominated by a woman is clearly a common variation, not a rare quirk. Our page am I submissive? explores the question personally.

Escape from the self

The most influential theory comes from the social psychologist Roy Baumeister, who argued in a 1988 paper, Masochism as escape from self, that submission works as a psychological strategy to escape the burden of selfhood. Ordinary life demands constant self-monitoring: decisions, responsibility, image, performance. Submission switches that off. For a while, someone else decides, and all that's left is the moment. Baumeister developed the idea in books in 1989 and 1991, and it fits closely with how submissives describe themselves. One long-time sub writing in Vice called it the mental relief of handing over the reins; people involved in puppy play described relaxation and escape from self in a 2019 study.

Altered states and closeness

Submission can also change how the mind works in the moment. A 2020 study suggested pain in BDSM can bring about altered states of consciousness that may resemble mindfulness meditation, and researchers have described subspace as a kind of flow. Our guide to being a good sub describes subspace from the inside.

The body joins in. In a 2009 study of 58 practitioners, stress hormones rose significantly for people who were bound and following orders, but when scenes went well, stress fell afterwards and relationship closeness rose, and the researchers concluded consensual SM has the potential to increase intimacy. That arc, tension followed by relief and connection, may be part of why the experience is so compelling.

Role reversal

The most common popular explanation is role reversal: men who carry authority all day want a break from it. The psychotherapist Joe Kort has written that men in authority seek inner balance and solace by surrendering their power and responsibility to someone who will give them orders, and the sexologist Jess O'Reilly has described submission as an exciting way to relinquish control of one area of life. These are informed clinical views, but they're opinions. There's no solid data showing that executives or other powerful men are more likely to be submissive, and plenty of submissive men have no power at work to escape.

Why a woman in charge

Femdom adds something to submission in general: the authority belongs to a woman. For many men that's the point. A fan of the giantess fantasy put it vividly to Salon in 1999, describing the attraction as a woman being ultimately powerful, sexual and completely dominating all at the same time. The roots run deep in culture, too; the novel that gave masochism its name, Venus in Furs, is about a man who longs to be ruled by a woman. Our page on what femdom is traces that history.

Not a sign of trauma or weakness

Older theories treated submission as a symptom. The evidence doesn't support them. The 2020 review of 60 studies found little support for models that explain BDSM through psychological problems or early trauma, and a 2013 Dutch study of 902 practitioners and 434 controls found practitioners scored better than controls on several wellbeing measures. Psychiatry agrees: the DSM-5 treats consensual BDSM as a problem only when it causes real distress or harm. Nothing in the research suggests submissive men are weaker or less masculine. Many describe submission as a choice that takes considerable strength: trust, honesty and the willingness to be vulnerable.

When it causes problems

Any interest can become a problem if it causes distress, damages relationships or costs more than someone can afford; findom, in particular, can spiral, as our findom scams guide explains. If that's happening, a kink-aware therapist can help without judging the interest itself. For most men, though, a submissive streak is simply part of who they are, and the question is how to enjoy it well.

Exploring it

If you have a partner, the conversation is usually easier than you fear. Research on sharing fantasies has found partners respond more positively than people expect, and starting with what appeals and why, rather than a list of acts, gives her room to say what she might enjoy too. Our guide to femdom for couples covers how to raise it gently and well.

If you're curious, start privately: a kink list, a conversation with a partner, or a session with a dominant woman on cam, where you can explore anonymously at your own pace. Our guide to female-led relationships covers the long-term version, and the strip at the top of this page shows dominant women live now.