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Domme, dominatrix or mistress: what each word means

Domme, dominatrix and mistress all describe a dominant woman, but they aren't quite interchangeable. Dictionary.com defines a domme as a woman who plays the dominant role in a BDSM encounter or relationship. Dominatrix means the same thing but leans towards professionals, while mistress carries a dozen other meanings, including one that has nothing to do with kink. This page explains what each word means, where it came from, the other titles dominant women use, and how to know what to call her.

Domme meaning

Domme is the community's everyday word for a dominant woman. Dictionary.com defines it as a woman who plays the dominant role in a BDSM sexual encounter or relationship, and Wiktionary as a female dominant in a sadomasochistic relationship. It's pronounced exactly like dom; the extra letters are silent and simply mark the feminine. Dictionary.com dates the word to the late 1990s, as a shortening and alteration of dominatrix.

It looks French, but it isn't. Wiktionary calls domme a pseudo-Gallicism: the actual French word is dominatrice. And it has a male counterpart with a broader reach. Wikipedia's BDSM glossary notes that dom is generally used for male dominants but can be used for anyone regardless of gender, while domme specifically means a female dominant.

Dominatrix

Dominatrix is the feminine of the Latin dominator, a ruler, and it began with no sexual meaning at all. Wikipedia traces English use to at least 1561; the modern BDSM sense arrived in the 1960s or early 1970s, depending on the source. The plural is dominatrices or, less formally, dominatrixes.

Today the word leans professional. Dictionary.com adds that a dominatrix often works in a paid or professional capacity, and Wikipedia notes the term is little used within the non-professional BDSM scene. Many professionals are highly educated, too: Wikipedia cites a 2012 study in which 39% of US dominatrices surveyed had graduate training. Our guide to what a dominatrix is covers the profession.

Mistress

Mistress is the oldest and most tangled of the three. It comes from the Old French maistresse, the feminine of maistre, master. Etymonline records it meaning a female teacher or governess around 1300, a married man's kept woman by the early 1400s, and a polite form of address soon after. The everyday titles Mrs, Miss and Ms are all abbreviations derived from mistress.

Dictionary.com lists twelve senses. The first is the affair sense, which Wikipedia defines as a woman in a long-term relationship with a man married to someone else. The second is the dominant sexual partner, when female, in a BDSM relationship of unequal power. Wikipedia notes the media often use mistress, as do many professional dominatrices and their submissives, but that members of the BDSM community often avoid it because of the implication of cheating. Context almost always makes the meaning clear; a search engine, sometimes, does not.

Domme, dominatrix and mistress compared

Other titles

Dominant women choose from a wide range of titles. Wikipedia lists dominatrix, mistress, lady, madame, herrin and goddess, and notes that the choice is mostly a matter of personal preference and the conventions of the local scene. German speakers also use Domina, from the Latin for lady or mistress. Some people in D/s relationships capitalise words that refer to their dominant, writing Mistress or She, as a small daily act of respect. Our page on goddess worship explains the most devotional of these titles.

Titles in public and in private

A title used at home can be awkward at a family dinner, so many couples keep two registers. In private, he might call her Mistress or Goddess and kneel when he does; in public, an ordinary word does the same job, and only the two of them know it. Ma'am is a favourite for exactly this reason: polite to anyone listening, loaded with meaning for the person saying it. Some couples choose a private nickname that sounds innocent but marks the dynamic, or a phrase used to end every phone call. The point of a title isn't the word itself but the reminder it carries, and the best titles are ones you can use often without anyone else noticing. Our page on femdom rules covers forms of address as part of a wider protocol.

Words for the other side

The vocabulary for submissives is just as varied, and just as easy to mix up. Wikipedia's BDSM glossary defines a sub as someone who gives up control, either all the time or for a specified period, and warns against confusing that with a bottom, who is simply on the receiving end of an activity, or a slave, who lives a deeper form of service. A switch enjoys both sides. Some submissives prefer pet names chosen by their dominant, and many dynamics have private words of their own. As with titles for dominant women, the right word is the one the person uses for themselves. Our guides to being a good sub and slave training cover those roles in more depth.

What to call her

Whatever she asks to be called. There's no single correct title, and assuming one is a common beginner's mistake. If you're meeting a professional, her website or profile usually says. On a cam site, the performer's profile or the first few lines of chat will tell you. In a relationship, it's part of negotiation, and some couples use one title in private and none at all in public. When in doubt, Ma'am or simply asking is always polite.

Titles also signal style. Mistress suggests command, Goddess adoration, Lady or Madame formality. Getting it right shows you've paid attention, which is the first thing any dominant woman notices. Our femdom glossary covers the rest of the vocabulary, and our cam etiquette guide covers addressing a performer.

Dommes on cam

On cam sites you'll see every one of these words used, often by the same performer. The strip at the top of this page shows dominant women live now; read the profile, use the title she prefers, and you'll have started well.